The Magic Ruler
Miriam Adahan
One of the simplest tools for teaching both empathy and perspective is a ten-centimeter ruler. The idea came to me during the Gulf War. I had made french fries and discovered, much to my dismay, that there was no ketchup - a catastrophe for my three hungry little boys! I grabbed a ruler, which happened to be on the kitchen counter, and said, "Imagine - G-d forbid a million times that a SCUD missile hit our home. That would be a ten! Now, tell me how bad it is that we have no ketchup."
One son said, "Three!"
Another said, "One!"
The third said, "It's less than a zero!"
From that came our motto, "If it's not eternal, we're not going to get emotional about it.', Mitzvos and middos are eternal. That's where we want to put our emotional energy.
Try the following uses for your ruler:
a. You forgot to turn off the refrigerator before Shabbos.
b. You have to stay home and do your chores.
c. You got an ugly haircut.
d. Your favorite suit got stained.
Put minor losses into perspective.
We don't think rationally when we feel endangered. Yet our minds often react to minor stresses as if a tiger were about to pounce. The ruler can overcome this false sense of danger, which leads to excessive anger or anxiety. While the heart may register an event as a ten, the mind knows it's a lower number. Only the mind can recognize that "this is a blip on the radar screen of eternity." Though the following scenarios may feel like a ten initially, ask yourself or your children to determine a more objective measure:
e. You lost a contact lens.
Caution: Never tell someone else what number he should be at. People have very different personalities, values, and perspectives. Also, remember, the initial emotional response may be vastly different from the way one will feel in an hour, a week, or a year. Do not ask him to measure in a moment of rage or panic. Wait a while, then ask him to recall the event and measure it. Accept the person's answer.
Show sensitivity to others' feelings.
When an event is truly painful, the ruler helps you to acknowledge, validate, and empathize.
Remember, if you try to argue away or minimize the pain, you make it greater, since now the person experiences the pain of being misunderstood on top of the pain of the event itself!
Example: "My son said it was a ten for him to have a critical teacher who punishes and humiliates. I had no idea he'd been feeling so hurt. I immediately called the principal to seek a solution."
Example: "After a few weeks of using the ruler, my daughter said something chutzpadik to me. I used to yell at her when she did this, which only made her angrier. This time, I just said, 'It's a ten when you speak that way.' She apologized, and we replayed the scene, with her saying what she wanted in a respectful tone."
Example: "When my daughter was not chosen for the school play, she said it was a ten. I just held her and empathized."
When you are no longer investing emotions in petty matters, you will be able to respond more effectively to truly painful issues.
Encourage others to cooperate or do mitzvos.
Example: "When I asked my fourteen-year-old to drag a box of old clothes up four flights of stairs to a poor family, he balked, saying, 'I don't like going there 'cause the kids stare at me like I'm from the zoo.' I asked him how painful it was, and he said, 'Ten.' I told him, 'If doing a mitzvah causes you pain, then Hashem gives you an even bigger reward - 'lefum tza'ara agra!" ' At that, his eyes lit up. He grabbed the box and bound up the stairs."
Example: "My daughter, who is very shy, asked me to make a doctor's appointment for her because she said it was a ten to call herself. My first impulse was to make the call, because it would be easy for me. Instead, I told her that only by doing things she feared to do would she build self-confidence. Because it was difficult for her, the victory would be so much greater. I stood by her while she dialed and cheered her afterwards. I even wrote it down as an act of courage in her mitzvah book. Little by little, she's been gaining confidence by what she calls 'doing a ten.'
Maximize the probability of people listening to you.
Reporting a number on a ruler is usually more effective than dramatizing the feeling, especially if you are angry.
Example: "When my husband said that something I did bothered him 'ten,' I really made an effort to stop. In the past when he'd explode, I'd get defensive and angry. But when he reported his feelings with a number, I was able to listen. Then I told him about something he did that bothered me 'ten,' and he said he would make a real effort to improve."
Appreciate different values and priorities.
Example: "My son said that the mess in his room is a zero. It used to be a ten for me, but I'm slowly getting it down to a five so that I can talk to him rationally about keeping it more orderly."
Example: "I love having guests, as do most of my children, but one child said that it's a six for her to deal
with the noise, mess, and tension. This led us all to discuss how different people's experiences can be and how important it is to find out how others feel about the same event."
Simply having one's feelings acknowledged is calming. If, after empathizing, the person still feels distraught, you may help him find solutions or adopt a spiritual perspective.
Express appreciation.
The ruler can be used for joyous occasions, not just sad ones.
Example: "It brought me a ten on the happiness scale when you helped me last night."
Example: "Give yourself a ten for not cheating on the test!"
Help the supersensitive child.
Some children say, "it's a ten," to almost anything! Take the time - years even - to help your child get used to measuring from a more rational perspective. Never invalidate his initial response. His ultrasensitive internal scale experiences life as painful. He will be able to work it down only after he validates that it is painful.
Help the insensitive child.
Some children are at the opposite extreme. Nothing seems to faze them, even things that should, like poor grades or their own annoying behavior. They, too, need to gain perspective and sensitivity.
You will notice that after a few weeks of this, the children themselves will be saying to you and to each other, "Oh, that's not even a two," or, "Hey, stop! That felt like a ten to me!"
Example: "I accidentally scorched my husband's shirt while ironing it. When he saw the brown spot on the back of the shirt, he was about to explode, but then he said, 'It's really just a one.' I'd never explained the ruler to him, but he had obviously overheard me using it with the children."
Reminders:
1. Empathize. Honor your own and others' feelings.
2. Realize that your initial emotional response may be quite different from your more subsequent, rational reaction. Emotional realities often conflict with intellectual realities. Allow time for the gap to close.
3. Never minimize legitimate pain.
4. Accept differences in values and priorities.
5. Remember that events that seem bearable at one time of the day may seem unbearable when you are tired, hungry, rushed, or stressed out.